Pragmatic advice for coaches, managers & leaders

Stop me if I’ve told you this one …

This is one of those small but significant areas I would urge you to think about. It is entirely possible you are unaware that you fall into this trap. Indeed, when you read what it is I’m talking about you’ll see that a lack of self-awareness and mindfulness that generates this trap, almost assures you don’t know that you do it.

Not again

Why do we tell stories and share anecdotes? There are lots of reasons that include:

  • to build rapport with the listener
  • to entertain
  • to highlight shared experiences
  • to help someone learn

… all good so far …

  • to show off
  • to trump the story the other person has told
  • to ensure we have airtime

…not so great…

However, let’s stick with these stories that are generated from a position of positive intent, where in one form or another you want to help the other person either feel better, know more or build the relationship.

What do you think the effects on the relationship are when you start to tell a story that you have told someone before and that the person listening knows you have told them before?

Even those who consider themselves normally high on patience can find the re-telling of stories and anecdotes by someone very tiresome. Even when we try our hardest to remember that a relationship isn’t “all about us” it is a challenge not to couple that with “it not all about you either!”.

The problem

The problem is that there is something at play here which can’t but affect us and that is, that even subtly, your re-telling the story we’ve already heard can prompt the question about how much you value or are invested in any conversation we have. If you can’t remember that you’ve told me this story before – perhaps even often – then I think you can’t remember me either. And that’s not great for you, me or us.

No you can’t minimise the effect

I hear a number of people try to excuse this re-telling trait by prefacing their story with “stop me if I’ve told you this”. The goal being to give you permission to stop them before they re-tell the anecdote you’ve already heard several times. In fact that little “stop me” trick only serves to highlight several things which I think make things worse not better:

  • The teller has just announced formally they have no idea what we’ve spoken about in the past
  • The fact that despite the point above, they’re going to give this  story another airing anyway
  • That whilst I now have permission to stop you, most social mores would suggest that to do so would be rude, so really I’ve been manipulated to listen and not to stop you

What to do

I think part of the challenge is the old chestnut that “there is so much information” available to us and for us to remember it all can be difficult. The same is true when it comes to remembering all the conversations – both real and on-line – that we have had. So, how can you help avoid falling into this trap:

  1. Ask more than tell
  2. Keep your own stories more current.
  3. Make a note at the end of meetings and include the topics that you discussed and the examples you used. A simple piece of software such as Evernote makes this easy (No affiliation)
  4. Be more mindful and aware whilst having conversations. Enjoy the chance to understand more about the person you are communicating with.
  5. If you are unsure whether you fall into this trap, ask someone with whom you have a great relationship … so great in fact that they’ll tell you the truth about whether this is an issue or not.

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Glenn Wallis is an experienced Executive Coach and Coach Developer who will help you improve your own results and those of your organisation. When you are ready to  raise your performance to the next level, find out more here.